I felt guilty today .... I could escape ... by going to work.
From the time we got up, the repeated refrain was 'beach ..... beach'. Use of 'time out' has no effect. The behavior seems to say "medication needs to be increased" ..... but we tried that before and it wasn't the answer. What do we do?
Well ... I avoided it by going to work. When behaviors feel 'out of control' like this, it is so hard .... We should be able to come up with an effective course of action ..... but nothing seems to work. .... and so I avoid the problem by going to work.
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Friday, March 11, 2011
#193 Friday 11 March 2011
It's Friday night and Kaylia won't go to sleep. She's had the wonder stuff that's sposed to make her sleepy but all she wants to do is use her instructing power! Get up! Daddy out! It's hard to know whether to follow the order ..... so she learns the power of speech .... or whether to try and teach her that orders cannot always be followed.
I'm tired .... dispirited .... at the end of my tether.
I've been looking back at the start of this blog ... January 2010 .... since that time many people have become followers .... only four people have expressed interest in helping .... only one person has actually been able to give us help! This is not a reflection on the people who support us ... it's more a commentary of the difficulty experienced in actually finding a way to help.
Once again, I "take my hat off" to the wonderful people who have lived with us as Kaylia's au-pair. I don't think we could have survived without their help ... that is meant literally!
This poem is sort of how I'm feeling at present.
I'm tired .... dispirited .... at the end of my tether.
I've been looking back at the start of this blog ... January 2010 .... since that time many people have become followers .... only four people have expressed interest in helping .... only one person has actually been able to give us help! This is not a reflection on the people who support us ... it's more a commentary of the difficulty experienced in actually finding a way to help.
Once again, I "take my hat off" to the wonderful people who have lived with us as Kaylia's au-pair. I don't think we could have survived without their help ... that is meant literally!
This poem is sort of how I'm feeling at present.
Oceans
I remember the people
who have wept tears of pain.
The beating of waves
on the oceans of sadness,
- sweeping over the world
- waves of tears washing on the shores of consciousness
why did it start?
how can it end?
Hands reach out ...
imploring,
beseeching.
Hope dies, they draw back ...... resigned ...... defeated
The wind sings its sad song of pain.
The trees bow their branches to join the wind
in its cry of anguish.
The hills stand ..... silent ........ watching ........
brooding over the oceans of sadness.
Like that grain of sand
which though warmed by the sun
presses the other sand beneath....
so we
turn our face to the sun
and forget
that past of pain
those voices crying
those hands that reach
How can it end?
when did it start?
Before time,
sadness brooded.
After time .........
echoes of pain will whisper.
© Ian Croft May 1995
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
#192 Wednesday 9 March 2011
Today I heard some more of the saga of what happened with Kaylia while I was away. Phew.
I had a strange experience this morning .... I was at a desk waiting for the computer to do something or other ....my right elbow was resting on the desk surface. As I oten do, I was gently moving the wrist joint to explore the areas that hurt. I realised that I could actually hear the noise being produced by the joint surfaces rubbing together .... the vibrations were travelling down the bone and into the timber which was then acting as an amplifier! I'm getting closer to the point of doing something about it.
Poor Kaylia is going through a bored period. We haven't been able to have any therapy services for her since Christmas ..... and school doesn't seem to be challenging enough for her. Her behaviour reeks of boredom. At the same time we are noticing gains in other areas ..... she is verbalising her wants/needs much more now. Tonight, Naomi went outside to the office .... after while Kaylia says "Mummy" so I asked if she wanted me to call Mummy .... Yes. I then used the phone/intercom to speak to Naomi. Soon after, Naomi was still not inside so Kaylia then gets the phone .... "Do you want me to call Mummy?".... Yes ..... so I showed her how to operate the intercom and gave it to Kaylia .... "Hello" she says! What a champion!
I had a strange experience this morning .... I was at a desk waiting for the computer to do something or other ....my right elbow was resting on the desk surface. As I oten do, I was gently moving the wrist joint to explore the areas that hurt. I realised that I could actually hear the noise being produced by the joint surfaces rubbing together .... the vibrations were travelling down the bone and into the timber which was then acting as an amplifier! I'm getting closer to the point of doing something about it.
Poor Kaylia is going through a bored period. We haven't been able to have any therapy services for her since Christmas ..... and school doesn't seem to be challenging enough for her. Her behaviour reeks of boredom. At the same time we are noticing gains in other areas ..... she is verbalising her wants/needs much more now. Tonight, Naomi went outside to the office .... after while Kaylia says "Mummy" so I asked if she wanted me to call Mummy .... Yes. I then used the phone/intercom to speak to Naomi. Soon after, Naomi was still not inside so Kaylia then gets the phone .... "Do you want me to call Mummy?".... Yes ..... so I showed her how to operate the intercom and gave it to Kaylia .... "Hello" she says! What a champion!
#191 Tuesday 8 March 2011
The plane arrived at 2:05 am .... I was last on the plane as I had the frontest seat .... 1a!! As I'd checked in early my bag was the first on the plane .... last off!! I had to wait and wait for it to come round the carousel. When I checked in, I found that my bag was 6kg over-weight! I was sure it was lighter than the trip up. (Pete ... buy some scales!) I had to sit on the floor and transfer the contents of my bag into my hand luggage! Strange .... my hand luggage ended up being very nearly the same weight as checked .... but no-one queried it.
Trip down seemed very quick as I went to sleep soon after take off and woke when deescent to Perth began! Customs in Perth was slow .... since my bag was the LAST off the plane, I was the LAST through customs! Usual story .... I tell the customs man "I have a case full of these." as I hold up an Indocafe sachet ..... he says "Go through!"
Zoe was waiting .... but she had been sworn to secrecy and she would not tell me anything of the happennings at home ..... except that she'd been bitten by a spider and her foot swelled up .....
Later in the day, I had the full story ..... much of it family business not for the blog .... I was so angry!!
Kaylia had been so upset by the fact that I had taken my iPad with me .... after days and days of melt-downs ..... when it was clear that she wasn't going to accept it .... Naomi went out and bought another iPad so it could be duplicated from my backups .... hey presto! Melt-downs fixed becouse routine is re-established!
It sounds like we're giving in .... or spoiling her .... No .... our life is about management of routine .... keep Kaylia's life in the same groove. If we can do this, we can survive.
The other factor in play is our lack of resilience .... or emotional stamina. After years of this, we don't have the emotional resources that a normal parent might have. We sometime just have to accept a survival strategy .... even though it is not ideal.
Trip down seemed very quick as I went to sleep soon after take off and woke when deescent to Perth began! Customs in Perth was slow .... since my bag was the LAST off the plane, I was the LAST through customs! Usual story .... I tell the customs man "I have a case full of these." as I hold up an Indocafe sachet ..... he says "Go through!"
Zoe was waiting .... but she had been sworn to secrecy and she would not tell me anything of the happennings at home ..... except that she'd been bitten by a spider and her foot swelled up .....
Later in the day, I had the full story ..... much of it family business not for the blog .... I was so angry!!
Kaylia had been so upset by the fact that I had taken my iPad with me .... after days and days of melt-downs ..... when it was clear that she wasn't going to accept it .... Naomi went out and bought another iPad so it could be duplicated from my backups .... hey presto! Melt-downs fixed becouse routine is re-established!
It sounds like we're giving in .... or spoiling her .... No .... our life is about management of routine .... keep Kaylia's life in the same groove. If we can do this, we can survive.
The other factor in play is our lack of resilience .... or emotional stamina. After years of this, we don't have the emotional resources that a normal parent might have. We sometime just have to accept a survival strategy .... even though it is not ideal.
Monday, March 7, 2011
#190 Monday 7 March
The day began with a swim as usual .... then down to Mama Putu for breakfast. After a while we headed to Jalan Imam Bonjol to find a particular shop that sold mattresses. Pete has a new bed base .... but no mattress .... and one night on the airmattress was quite enough. By 1:00pm we had bought a very nice mattress, found a supplier of the particular fridge that Pete wanted, bought 2 tables, 2 chairs, a cupboard .... and a cool luggage trolley that will be excellent for carting loads up the narrow Jn Blongan from Jn Mertasari. (This is too narrow for normal vehicle access so most things need to be unloaded in the main street and carted up the laneway to the villa.)
Then it was tidying, packing and relaxing. Out to the airport at 7:00 because heavy rain threatened ... and I couldn't stand the waiting. It turned out that I should have waited as Wiwin planned to meet me at the airport to say goodbye ..... by going early we couldn't meet! We will meet again in July when we all stay at Accor in Nusa Dua again. (Kaylia's favourite spot.)
Thus ends my little adventure ..... thankyou for listening to my story. (In-house joke)
Then it was tidying, packing and relaxing. Out to the airport at 7:00 because heavy rain threatened ... and I couldn't stand the waiting. It turned out that I should have waited as Wiwin planned to meet me at the airport to say goodbye ..... by going early we couldn't meet! We will meet again in July when we all stay at Accor in Nusa Dua again. (Kaylia's favourite spot.)
Thus ends my little adventure ..... thankyou for listening to my story. (In-house joke)
Sunday, March 6, 2011
#189 Sunday 6 March 2011
Nyepi is over! I think I now understand why John is not in Bali while Nyepi is on. It was a truly weird thing to experience while alone ..... the night seemed to stretch endless .... I think I must have woken every half hour ... the unusual darkness and silence ..... not helped of course by the air mattress. To rollover I must support my weight to move my hips on the mattress surface .... and to do this means waking up! Numerous games of solitaire, watching the videos of Kaylia at Ballajura .... at the assembly last year. She was so excited and alive for that.
This morning I set out at about 7:30 to find some breakfast .... prepared for the morning with everything I needed for going to the central Sanur area. Jalan, jalan ...... jalan, jalan .... many possibles but nothing took my fancy. Finally I found myself walking past Hardys! So I now sit at the little restaurant inside with a fan blowing on me .... drinking kopi and waiting for nasi goreng. The wi-fi promised by big signs is not at this restaurant! Only at a spot about 20 metres across the building! I wonder if Indosat has woken from Nyepi?
Well .... that bit is online .... I think it went via the Hardys wi-fi as the required icon for Indosat is still absent from the screen. I'm still waiting for nasi goreng! Perspiration running down my back in streams .... it rained most of the night ..... humidity must be 200%.
After breakfast, I'll walk north to 'Scape .... the guy where I bought my Diesel bags was dismayed to hear that the zip broke and the stitching fell apart ... he said to bring it back .... so I'll see what he offers.
On the walk this morning I passed the entry to a hotel and it was familiar ... it may be where Naomi & I stayed in April 1998. We stayed in Sanur for a couple of days, then toured the eastern and northern parts of Bali before returning again to Sanur. Candi Dasa, Tirta Ganga, Tulamben (diving on the WW2 wreck).
13 years on I feel as though the nuances of culture are becoming clearer. I think that Australians don't really understand that the personal freedom in Bali is an illusion ... the expectation that your behaviour will conform to local rules is much stronger here than in Oz .... it feels freer than Oz because the bubble of personal space is larger ..... you can get away with more within the personal bubble ..... but it is harder to actually go outside the bubble. I heard the term "Bulu ... or Booloo" used the other day .... Westerners .... I haven't worked out yet whether it is a derogatory term .... I think maybe it is .... I've heard it muttered as I walk down the little gangs (back lanes). If so then it is similar to to "gadiya" .... a term used by the desert people in Balgo for the white fellas. It can be nothing .... but it can be a term of contempt.
This morning I set out at about 7:30 to find some breakfast .... prepared for the morning with everything I needed for going to the central Sanur area. Jalan, jalan ...... jalan, jalan .... many possibles but nothing took my fancy. Finally I found myself walking past Hardys! So I now sit at the little restaurant inside with a fan blowing on me .... drinking kopi and waiting for nasi goreng. The wi-fi promised by big signs is not at this restaurant! Only at a spot about 20 metres across the building! I wonder if Indosat has woken from Nyepi?
Well .... that bit is online .... I think it went via the Hardys wi-fi as the required icon for Indosat is still absent from the screen. I'm still waiting for nasi goreng! Perspiration running down my back in streams .... it rained most of the night ..... humidity must be 200%.
After breakfast, I'll walk north to 'Scape .... the guy where I bought my Diesel bags was dismayed to hear that the zip broke and the stitching fell apart ... he said to bring it back .... so I'll see what he offers.
On the walk this morning I passed the entry to a hotel and it was familiar ... it may be where Naomi & I stayed in April 1998. We stayed in Sanur for a couple of days, then toured the eastern and northern parts of Bali before returning again to Sanur. Candi Dasa, Tirta Ganga, Tulamben (diving on the WW2 wreck).
13 years on I feel as though the nuances of culture are becoming clearer. I think that Australians don't really understand that the personal freedom in Bali is an illusion ... the expectation that your behaviour will conform to local rules is much stronger here than in Oz .... it feels freer than Oz because the bubble of personal space is larger ..... you can get away with more within the personal bubble ..... but it is harder to actually go outside the bubble. I heard the term "Bulu ... or Booloo" used the other day .... Westerners .... I haven't worked out yet whether it is a derogatory term .... I think maybe it is .... I've heard it muttered as I walk down the little gangs (back lanes). If so then it is similar to to "gadiya" .... a term used by the desert people in Balgo for the white fellas. It can be nothing .... but it can be a term of contempt.
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